Life's So Complicated
by XellAn-Chan
Summary: this is my first HP fic and NO ONE READ IT!!! i'm hurt *pout* (PG for language)
1. Default Chapter

Leaving  
  
*Year 1*  
  
The Begining  
  
"Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me." How often do children hear that from each other? How many times do they say that throughout the course fo their lives? I don't like that phrase. It bothers me. It isn't right. There's a twist I've added to the end. The politically correct version would be "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will last forever." This version is more truthful. No matter how much a child tells themself it doesn't matter, it still hurts. And that hurt stays with them. It doesn't go away. It's always there. The words do last forever. So remember that, the next time you want to call some one a nasty name. Choose your words carefully. Think about it. Does it need to be said? How will it help you to call them that? I can tell you. It won't.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
I had cried at first. My mum and my little brother were waving at me from the platform. I was on my way to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In England. Thousands of miles from home.  
  
My dad was a wizard. My mum was a witch. Dad worked for the Ministry of Magic. He was an ambassador to the United States of America and we lived in New York State. When my brother Allan had turned eleven, he was bundled off to Hogwarts. I remember traveling to England, to King's Cross Station, to Platform Nine and Three Quarters. Allan had bravely boarded the train and it went away to somewhere that none of us children could imagine in our wildest dreams. Of course, Mum and Dad had gone there, way back when. They'd been sent to New York when I was three and Michael, my little brother, was a baby.  
  
Then I was eleven and it was my turn. Allan was going back, of course, to begin his third year. It was all old news to him, getting the letter, going to London to buy supplies. He wasn't too excited.  
  
And neither was I. I'd never been away from home before. Not by myself. Oh, Allan would be there, but not necessarily in the same house as I. He'd been sorted into Ravenclaw. He teased me; said I'd be a Hufflepuff. Only Hufflepuffs, he said, wanted to be Hufflepuffs. They were the dumb kids. Allan thought he was so great.  
  
I wasn't sure which house I wanted. Ravenclaw sounded okay. That's where the wise, smart people went. And so did Gryffindor, where the brave and daring resided. I was sure I didn't want Hufflepuff, after all Al's teasing, and I wasn't sure what I thought about Slytherin.The Slytherins, Al said, were awful. I was told they were mean and nasty. But I could be mean and nasty. I was also pretty smart. I didn't think I'd wind up in Gryffindor, I was kind of a wuss. And sometimes I was a little slow. I didn't even know how they'd sort us. I'd have to wait and see. Allan had gone off right away with his friends. Dave, Jesse and Stephanie were kids he'd met at Hogwarts and they were all friends. I didn't know any one. My few friends lived back in New York. When I told Allison that I'd be going to school in England, with my brother and my cousin, Jade, she wasn't too happy. I know now that she was just jealous, but she was mean to me for the rest of the summer and, when I left, we weren't even friends any more.  
  
Michael and Mum faded out of view and I wandered down the corridor, wiping away my tears, to find a seat. A scrawny little boy, maybe about my own age, was curled up in one of the seats when I slid open the door to compartment number two. He ignored me until I sat down across from him. Then he looked up.  
  
I'll tell you, I didn't think much of Severus Snape when our eyes first met on that train. He was a puny little thing, with stringy black hair, a pale face, and dark, glittery eyes. Judging by the way he looked, Michael could've easily beaten him up. He stared at me silently with those black eyes, making me feel a little nervous. "What?" I asked in a truly childish fashion, "Is some one sitting here?" I was curious about why he was all alone. The other compartments were all full. "No." He said softly. That was it. "No." Nothing more; just "no." Then he clammed back up and continued staring out the window until we had to leave the train.  
  
When we got off the train, Allan came over to me. "Shelly, what were you doing, sitting with that boy?" he asked. "What was wrong with my sitting with him?" He hadn't done anything to me. He hadn't even spoken to me. "He's the kid that knows all the curses. He'll be a Slytherin. You don't want to sit with Slytherins, Shelly." I looked at Al, hands on my hips. "I'll sit with whom ever I want to, Allan McKernon!" Then I stalked off, angry at my brother for listening to those rumors. He always thought he was so smart.  
  
"Firs' Years! Firs' years!" That was me! I followed the sound of the booming voice to where a line of kids my age was forming. A young man stood at the head of the line, but right away I knew he wasn't a normal guy. He was a good five feet taller than me, wearing a grubby coat and holding a lantern. But he smiled at us and told us to follow him to the boats. We trooped along to the shore and climbed into a fleet of small ships. Sailed to the castle. It was dark by then and I couldn't see any one in the other boats. i could hear laughing and giggling from the two boats near mine. that must've been the giggly boys I encountered on the train.  
  
We followed the big guy up the steps to the front door of the castle. A Teacher met us at the door. She was maybe middle aged, with a tight bun. She gave us a no-nonsense look and told us to follow her. I felt very nervous. It was almost time to be sorted.  
  
Allan and his friends were already sitting at the Ravenclaw table when we marched through. We were to be sorted alphabetically and my name was in the middle. The sorting consisted of us putting on the sorting hat and it belting out what house we belonged in. I watched as it went through the list, starting with "Ackerly, Sera." (HUFFLEPUFF) and ending with "Zimmerman, Jonathan" (RAVENCLAW). The giggly boys were Sirius Black, remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter. The four of them were all sorted into Gryffindor. As "McKernon, Shelly," I was sorted shortly after Lupin. Allan cheered for me as I plodded up to the stool to put the hat on. I was nervous, very nervous, but it didn't look like there was anything to it. I pulled the hat on. It feel down over my brow and I could hear it muttering to itself. "...Scared aren't you?...yes...a lot of brains...but you're a clever one, aren't you?..." It muttered "...I best send you to SLYTHERIN!" Slytherin!? It put me in Slytherin!? How could it put me in Slytherin?!  
  
As I trugged to the table I saw the horrified look on Allan's face. My sister, he must've been thinking, is a Slytherin?! Oh, our family is ruined. I sat down and looked at the rest of them warily. Half of them scared me half to death. they were big and surly looking. The other half were very devious looking. I turned away to watch the rest of the sorting. I watched as the boy from the train, Severus Snape, went quietly up to the stool and put onthe hat. It sorted hom almost instantly, sending him to Slytherin. He came silently over to the table and sat down next to me. We looked at one another and he sort of smiled. "Shelly, is it?" He whispered. I opened my mouth to answer, but something else popped into my mind. I was happy to be in Slytherin. My old life was dying. I'd become some one else while at school. I smiled slyly. "That," I said slowly, "Or Shinigami. I go by that too." He nodded. Then he looked back up to the sorting  
  
Our Head of House was a thin, very young man name Scythrop Southby. He was pleasant enough, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. But he'd be tough. He told us right away that he wouldn't put up with any nonsense and that he tended to like people who didn't try to get away with nonsense. I'd have no problem with that. I was smart and clever, but I knew when to keep my mouth shut. School was one of those times. Our first lesson, the next morning, was Professor Southby's Potions Class. We had that with the Hufflepuffs. He talked the whole period. Just went on and on about why we needed to learn Potions and what we'd use them for in everyday life. He assigned us our seats and I was placed beside none other than Severus Snape. He didn't look at me at all (not that there was much to see. I am very plain -straight, brown hair, brown eyes, glasses, kind of chubby.) and didn't say one word the whole time.  
  
After that, we had a period of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Professor Visle (AN: "Visle" is pronounced "vy-ull") scared me rather badly. He was very creepy looking and very tempermental. Then came Transfiguration. The woman who'd met us at the door the previous night, Minerva McGonagall, taught that. And she was as strict and no-nonsense as she looked. Right away, she read us a list of things she would not tolerate, then proceeded to give us a pop quiz to see whether or not we'd done the assigned reading.  
  
I'd done it, of course, but I couldn't remember a damn word I'd read. It'd been weeks since then and any way, I was plenty nervous with her breathing down my shoulder. Severus, from across the room, also looked frightened and I figured he didn't know the material either. His face was very white and he stared at the parchment for a long time.  
  
At the end of class, when every one's quizes had been collected, we filled silently out of the room, every one of us already strongly disliking Minerva McGonagall. Except for maybe Lea. She was a suck up, did what ever it took to make it to the top. I learned that right away. Severus was lagging behind, walking all alone. I lokked over my shoulder at him. His face was still as white as it had been while he struggled through the quiz. I stopped. Waited for him to catch up. "How do you think you did?" I asked him. "Awful." Came the quiet response. 'I didn't know a damn thing on that quiz. Transfiguration...that's a Gryffindor class." He spat out the name Gryffindor as if it tasted bad. I wondered why, until we passed the giggly boys in the hall on the way to lunch.  
  
"There's the slime bag." One of them, Sirius Black said. "Look, he's found himself a friend." James looked at me. "Aren't you Allan's sister? Why aren't you in Ravenclaw? Is there something horrible that he didn't tell us about you?" Peter grinned "There must be. And she must be feelin' pretty desperate for friends to hang around with Snape." Remus looked at his friends, a queer look on his face. At first, I thought he'd defend us. Then he said, "Well, no one else'll wanna hang out with either of them. They are Slytherins."  
  
I looked from the four of them as the moved away giggling to Severus. He was glaring at them contemptuously. "You know them, Severus?" He turned to me. "Not really. They think they know me." He muttered, "But they only know the 'me' they created." Then he pulled out his wand, pointed it over his shoulder at Peter and whispered "Paranoose." I looked at him curiously. "What was that?" He shrugged. "Simple Curse. He'll be bothered by it for days. Constantly looking over his shoulder; making sure no one's there." I laughed. "That's so mean!" He put his wand back in his robes. "He deserved it."  
  
I suppose that was when I changed my opinion of Severus. He'd not let his anger get the best of him, rather, he'd gotten revenge in an unconventional manner. That surprised me. When I'd first seen him on the train, he'd looked like he'd cry if any one insulted him. He must've been stonger than he appeared. "Can you teach me that?" I asked. He smiled a crooked half- smile from behind his stringy hair. "Sure, if you want to learn it. I know a lot more too." I smiled back. "I'd like that, I guess. Maybe then I'll know why the hat put me in Slytherin."  
  
He began teaching me after lunch. We went outside and he showed me wand movements, taught me words. It was fascinating, listening to him. I'd never known any one like Severus Snape. He was a far cry from Allison, that's for sure. But she wasn't a witch. She didn't think like me. She didn't know half the things I knew. i was leaps and bounds ahead of her, knowledge wise.  
  
The way Potter and his gang (yes, he became "Potter" to me, not James. His friends were also known to us only by their last names. They mostly picked on Severus, but they also annoyed me because I hung around with him. They didn't like us and we didn't like them.) picked on Severus reminded me of how Allison and beth had been the last few weeks before I'd left. They'd been awful, called me every name in the book. The same way Jim had. And now Lea and Joe. People I didn't even know sided with them. My fellow Slytherins, and they teased me. They didn't think I had what it took to be a Slytherin. Only Severus believed in me. He taught me a lot. The old me was indeed dying. I became very interested in all his curses; very interested in the Dark Arts. I cursed almost any one who messed with me. It became a hobby in the first few weeks. I was trying to prove myself worthy to be in Slytherin House. And it was working.  
  
My mad cursing worried Severus. And Professor Southby. "I didn't want you to attak every one." Severus said. "Don't get me wrong, I love that you're defending yourself, but can't you think of a better way? Professor Southby keeps telling me to stop teaching you curses. He's going to make me forget them if you don't stop." I looked at my feet. "Sorry. I'll stop. But instead, I may say things you've never heard. I am from the States, you know." His twisted smile crossed his face. "Believe me, there's nothing I've never heard. Say all you want."  
  
Sirius Black accosted me in the hall the next morning. "What are you up to, Smelly Shelly?" I looked at him. I didn't smell. And I hadn't done anything to deserve to be told that I did. I never talked to Black. I just kept walking. "Where's Snape?" He continued, "Don't you usually hang out together?" Still, I ignored him. "What'sa matter? Is he too dirty even for you?" That did it. I snapped. "Shut up! Shut the Hell up! And get away from me, you Little Shit!" He looked startled. Then he came back with "I'm a little shit? I am?! Oh, no. You're the Slytherin, not me. Your whole life is shit. That's why you're a Slytherin." Then he stormed away, looking very, very angry. I felt horrible. He had no rights to do that. I'd done nothing to him. Severus wasn't even there and he'd been insulted. But I shouldn't have said that. If I was so hurt, simply by being callled "smelly," how must he have felt. I ran down the hall crying, swearing to myself I'd never call any one a shit again. Or anything remotely similar to a shit.  
  
Severus was waiting for me at the table. He looked at me ponderously, at my tears and at the look on my face. "What'd he do?" He asked softly. "It's not what he did!" I sobbed, "It's what I did..." I rambled through the story and he listened silently. "...I...I feel so bad. I can't call people things like that. I shouldn't be a Slytherin!" He looked at me. Opened his mouth to say something.  
  
Then Potter and Black trotted by. They both gave me a cold look. "Bitch." Black muttered. I burst into fresh tears. Severus rested a hand on my shoulder. He looked up at the two Gryffindors. "Go. Get lost. Or I'll curse you. And I know some pretty nasty curses." They just stared back, "Shut up." Potter said indignantly. "Yeah," Black agreed, "This doesn't involve you. Only us and the girl." He stared right back. "It involves me now." Black frowned. "You'll be sorry. You'll be sorry you didn't let it alone." Severus turned away. "I hate you." He said. "We're going to make your life Hell." that said, Black and Potter marched away.  
  
I looked at Severus. "They already do a pretty good job at that." He said casually. But the look in his eyes...it said differently. He'd been hurt by them. They'd scarred his soul. And they'd continue doing it. "Why? Why'd you do that? They'll just keep tormenting you." I informed him. "I'm not worth it." He smiled wryly. "That's what they want you to think. I'd rather have one friend like you, who wanted to be my friend from the second you saw me, than a whole group of people who'd leave when things looked bad. That's what kind of people they are." I nodded. What he said did make sense. And I had wanted to be his friend. He'd done that -ostrasized himself- for me. That was friendship. I smiled. Offered him my hand. "Friends?" He took my hand in his. "Friends."  
  
When I think about it now, I know we shouldn't even have heard those words at eleven. We should've never heard them. But we did. And those were words that stuck with us. It was part of what shped the later events of our lives; our future choices. Those insults and taunts made us who we are. "Sticks and stones can break bones...but names will last forever..." Maybe Potter and Black didn't know. Maybe their mothers never told them. Maybe they went under the dilusion that "names could never hurt me." Maybe.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
Severus and I, we were stangers starting out on that journey. We never believed we'd make it that far. Life is a road. You keep going. When you fall, you get back up. You don't let potholes slow you down. James Potter and his friends were just potholes or detour signs obstructing our path. He and I, we found ways around. friendship is a wonderful thing. He was like a flower on the side of the road. He brightened my trip. And I know I brightened his. I think we were foolish kids,always walking staight into traffic. We were on a run away train that was never coming back, going the wrong way on a one-way track. It felt likewe should have been getting somewhere. But I've been told, he says, in the end, we're neither here nor there. And I've told him "In the end, I wanna be standing at the begining with you." And I am. With him heart and soul. Every new begining comes from some other beginings end. the end was only the begining of something wonderful. Where the words -those loving words- would last forever.  
  
@}--,--'--- 


	2. Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love

Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love  
  
*Year 3*  
  
This is a little story about a force to be reckoned with. Something that every one should experience. The best thing in the world. And, no, I ain't talking about love. Love is rotten to the core. I mean real, true friendship.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
"WHAT is THAT?!"  
  
That's never something you want to hear. But hear it I did. From my best friend. In his most repulsed voice. What he was looking at was the cover of my notebook. Or, more specifically, the hearts doodled on my notebook. The ones with "SM luvs RL" written in them.  
  
I, Shelly McKernon, snatched the book away from him. "None of your business, Severus! Leave my stuff alone." He frowned. "Shelly, ya don't really like Lupin, do you?" I stuffed the notebook in my bag. "What if I do? He's pretty nice to me most of the time." He snorted. "Don't kid yerself, Shelly. He hates you as much as he does me." I looked long and hard at the boy I called my best friend, scrawny little Severus Snape. I had once been fooled by his looks, but I knew him better than that after two and a half years of friendship. He was smart and he was strong and oh was he clever. I should of believed him when he said Remus Lupin hated me. But I was thirteen and thought I was in love. "He doesn't hate me, Severus. You're just jealous." I was so immature then. So stupid. "Jealous of what? He doesn't like you. He won't like you. You will get hurt." I hated him. As soon as he said that, I hated him. "He won't like me? He won't?! You dunno that! Just because I'm a Slytherin, right? Or maybe you don't want me to be happy, just because you aren't!" I exploded. He made me so mad. Then I stormed away, leaving him standing there in the classroom, a puzzled look on his face. Had I waited a few minutes, I would've heard the most important thing he said. "I just don't want you getting hurt. I don't want you to cry. It'd hurt me." He muttered, "Because you're my friend."  
  
I did a pretty good job ignoring Severus for a while. I was mad at him and it was nearly Valentine's Day. I wanted to send Remus a card. I was going to be his secret admirer before then (this was my stupid plan) and reveal myself on V-Day. I didn't need Severus. Remus had been unusually nice to me at the time. I thought he liked me too.  
  
I penned my first note to him during lunch.  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
I think you are totally cool and the best looking guy in the school.  
  
I hope we can be friends. I'd like to get to know you.  
  
Luv,  
  
Your Secret Admirer  
  
That's all I wrote. Short and sweet. I sent it to him through use of one of the school owls. I had one of my own, a Pygmy Owl named Malachy, but I didn't want him guessing who I was. I did think he was cute. He had light hair and eyes and he was very sensative and serious...unlike his friends, who picked on me every chance they got. I hated the three of them, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter and (most of all) Sirius Black. But Remus...Remus was different. Or so I thought.  
  
I sent him numerous notes over the course of the following two weeks. All of them elusive as to who I was but full of praise towards him. I didn't know, but he and his friends found them hillarious. Severus caught them bent over one in the library, snickering at what I had written. "Listen! Listen..." Sirius choked out, " 'I love the way you can transfigure things...You're so gentle when you do it...' " He read. "This is priceless!" James laughed "Who do you suppose it is?" Peter was practically rolling on the floor with laughter. "It's probably pathetic Shelly McKernon." Severus heard Sirius say. "She's got some little crush on Remus, doesn't she, Casanova?" He teased. "Stop it." Remus made a face, "Don't say things like that. Eww...Shelly. Bleh. She's so wierd." Severus looked at his feet. "I knew they'd be like this." He whispered to himself, "He'll hurt her. But I don't think she'll listen to me." He almost approached them; asked them not to be mean to me, but he turned back. That's when Sirius saw him. "What do you want, Snape?" He asked in a nasty voice. "Nothing." Severus said softly, "I...nothing. Never mind. I just want a book. That's all." He couldn't do it. He couldn't tell them not to bother me. He let me down.  
  
He tried to tell me what he'd over heard. He came up to me after Potions Class and tried to talk to me. "Shelly...I..I wanted to..." I cut him off. "What now? I don't want to hear it, Severus. Save it for some one who cares." I said snidely. "They're making fun of you!" He blurted out, "They read your notes and laugh at you!" I narrowed my eyes. "Jealous. Just like I said before, jealous. I don't believe you." He looked upset. "I'm not making it up! I wouldn't lie to you. You're my best friend." My turn to hurt him. "I was your best friend. Leave me alone." His mouth fell open. He almost looked like he'd cry. I felt bad, but I pretended I didn't care. I sauntered off like it didn't matter. And that was that.  
  
Breakfast, Valentine's Day morning. The mail was delivered, as usual. I sent Remus a final note -a valentine- with a stupid little poem and my name on it.  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
Roses are red  
  
Storm clouds are black  
  
I like you a lot  
  
Please like me back  
  
Luv,  
  
Your Secret Admirer,  
  
Shelly McKernon  
  
The card was quite lavish, all flowery and covered in hearts and stuff. I'd even put glitter on it and charmed it so it sparkled even when there was no light on the glitter.  
  
I hoped he'd send me a valentine too. And when it came during dinner, if I were smarter, I would've been suspicious right away. This is what it said:  
  
Shelly-  
  
I'm madly in love with you  
  
Meet me outside tonight  
  
at nine o'clock  
  
I have a surprise for you  
  
Love,  
  
Remus  
  
But I wasn't smarter. I read it. Then I read it again and let out a little squeal. He liked me! He Liked Me! HE LIKED ME!!! I was in seventh heaven. I rushed back up to my dorm room without finishing my supper and combed my hair. I hummed to myself as I cleaned my glasses. He had a surprise for me!  
  
I scampered down the steps and out of the Common Room at quarter of nine. Down the halls, through the door and down the wide stone steps. I stopped in the snow at the foot of the stairs and peered around through the moonlight. I didn't see anybody. So he was a little late. No big deal. This was Remus. It'd be worth the wait.  
  
As I looked around again, a flurry of snowballs came hurtling towards me. They hit me all over; in the face, the back, the legs. "Surprise, Nasty Slytherin!" I heard a voice yelling, followed by peels of laughter. I knew that voice...Sirius Black...and I recognized James, Remus and Peter's laughter.  
  
I stood there at the bottom of the steps, snow all over me, tears running down my face. Severus had been right. He hated me. They'd set me up; it was a big joke. I had no friends. I sniffled miserably. Remus was laughing at me when I though he'd been my friend, Severus was gone because I'd chased him away. I was alone again.  
  
I trudged back to the Common Room and up the steps to my room. "What happened to you?" One of my roommates, Pandora, asked in an unconcerned sort of voice. I ignored her. "You've got an owl." My other roomie, Alexandra, informed me. "Malachy's been waiting for you." I flopped down on my bed and took the parchment from my owl. Unrolled it. Read it.  
  
Shelly-  
  
I wish you'd believed me about Remus.  
  
I didn't mean to hurt you when I said it.  
  
I didn't want you to get hurt; You mean a lot to me.  
  
There's something there, something that draws me to you,  
  
and I'm not talking about love. You know what it is.  
  
And I will always be there.  
  
I'll be your shoulder when you need some one to lean on.  
  
Happy Valentine's Day.  
  
Your Best Friend (I hope),  
  
Severus  
  
The paper dropped out of my hands. "What a fool I've been!" I groaned. He really was my best friend. He let me make my own mistakes but he was still there for me. I sat up. Wipped away my tears. Went back down to the Common Room.  
  
Severus was sitting there, waiting for me, by the fire. He looked up at me. "I'm so sorry, Severus." I said quietly, "I was so stupid. I didn't want to believe you. But you were right." He shrugged. "I was your best friend. I had to try." I sat down next to him. "Severus," I looked him in the eye, "You are my best friend." He smiled shyly. "I thought as much."  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
Fools fall in love. And fools fall out of love. I suppose I was pretty foolish to think I had a chance. But friendship isn't like that. You can be a fool and still have friends. There was indeed something there. Something we didn't understand. Something I'll probably never understand. And I am not talking about love. 


	3. The Game

The Game  
  
*Year 5*  
  
"Welcome to the game..." -Garth Brooks Life is a game which we are all a part of. But, unlike in most games, it's not all about whether you win or lose. It's about how you play. It's not about having the winning cards. It's about playing those you were delt well. And -by the way- there's no cheating. So play the game. Play hard. Maybe then you will win.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
I've never been a big fan of sports. Even living in the States didn't turn me into a sports fan. All those American games -football, baseball, hockey- they bored me to death. None of the Yanks understood why. But then, they'd never seen Quidditch.  
  
The last Quidditch game of my fifth year was scheduled for May seventeenth. It was down to my house (Slytherin) versus our arch enemies, the Gryffindors. The game would be murder. The Gryffindor team was outstanding, as were we, and neither captain would stand it if the other team won. It would be a vicious game. That's one reason I was glad I wasn't on the team. The other was that the game could possibly go on for days.  
  
Both teams had excelent Seekers, ours being my best friend, Severus Snape, and theirs being the "amazing" James Potter, and they'd do anything to keep each other from getting the Snitch. The last game they'd played against one another had resulted in broken bones and a Gryffindor victory. The Gryffindors had beat the Slytherins in every game they'd played in the four years Severus had been on our team, only by a little bit, but enough to make Severus hate James even more. Pandora Boxington, one of the team's Chasers and my roommate, kept threatening Severus that if he didn't catch the Snitch she'd break his face. The pressure was on.  
  
Severus spent most of the evening of the sixteenth pacing around the Common Room. I was sitting on the floor, working on homework for our Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Professor Visle didn't let up on the homework, even the night before a Quidditch Match. "Severus," I looked up from my work, "Calm down. You're making me nervous." He stood still a moment. "How do you think I feel?" He asked me in a sort of nasty voice, "I'm the one who has to play tomorrow. I'm the one with Pandora threatening to kill me. I'm the one who'll be dismembered by Derrick if I don't catch that damn Snitch before Potter does. The whole bloody team'll murder me if I mess up again!" I didn't think the team would murder him. Pandora probably would rough him up a bit, but the captain, Derrick Thurston, wouldn't let them kill him. He was far too valuable to the team. Derrick, Pandora, Lydia Redgrave, Gavin Steele, Rhoda Dendron and Vince Wallace weren't much of a team without him, despite their merciless training. And no one else in the house was small enough to play as Seeker.  
  
"I think you feel plenty nervous yourself. Why don't you take a break from all the pacing? Help me out; you're good at this. Visle hates me. He gives me the hardest topics." I had to write a report on the five worst curses in the world. Professor Nickolai Visle always gave me stuff like that to do. He'd had it in for me ever since he found out my father was a very influential, powerful man. Severus sank down to the floor beside me. "You want Avada Kedavra, the Crutacius Curse, the Imperius Curse...Detestari...Hm...I only know of those four to be the worst. I don't think there's a fifth. And I know that kind of stuff." He said. He did know his curses. The Dark Arts fascinated my friend. He'd taught me everything I knew about hexing, cursing and bewitching when we were only eleven. "I don't know what to write!" I wailed. "If you don't know it, how am I supposed to?!" He smiled. "I'll figure it out eventually, Shelly. I've got a lot on my mind now. Don't get so worked up over it." He pushed his hair out of his eyes. "What'o you have to write about?" I asked curiously. "Ancient Egyptian Curses. Good topic. I've learned a lot about them from my Grandfather." A smile crossed my face. There weren't too many people who would've found something like that so exciting.  
  
He helped me write my essay. We sat on the floor together, as we often did, planning what I should write. Every now and then he scribbled something on a spare piece of parchment, made notes of important facts or jotted down things he wanted to remember. We worked for about an hour before I was sick of magic words and counter charms and spells. I began to doodle a picture of Professor Visle on my spare paper. "I hate him, Severus, I hate his class and I hate the Dark Arts." I said sourly. We were snickering over my stupid drawing when Vince appeared beside us. "Severus! What are you doing still up? We've got a big match tomorrow. Go to bed!" He was so bossy. It drove me crazy. "If it's so important, what are you doing still up?" I demanded. "I'm not the one who has to worry about winning the game." He told me. "It's up to Severus to catch the Snitch, not me. I just keep him from dying, remember?" Severus stood up. "I probably should go to bed." He said slowly, "Goodnight, Shelly." I wanted to tell him that I'd be proud of him no matter what, but I was too shy. So I just said goodnight and went up to my room.  
  
Alexandra Farfield, one of my five roommates, was stretched out on her bed, a book before her. "Severus had better catch that Snitch tomorrow.'' She said absently, "Pandora'll slaughter him if he don't." Rosemarie Antime looked up at me from where she sat on the floor braiding her long black hair. "You do think he can catch it, don't you?" She asked anxiously. "I'm sick of the Gryffindors rubbing it in my face. Lily, Flora and Elanor are always saying they're so much better than we are. I hate it." I half smiled. "I suppose he could catch it." I said slowly, "If Potter doesn't first. Severus never misses during practice. Even when he practices alone. He always gets the Phantom Snitch I conjure for him."  
  
Ariadne Arachnidah rolled up her homework parchment and stuffed it in her bag. "He won't catch it." She scoffed, "He always freezes up during the Gryffindor matches. There's no hope for a victory." She was always so negative. Ariadne and I didn't get along well. I ignored her, put away my homework and flopped down on my bed. "He'll do fine." Salome Surlaterre said calmly (She was the nicest of my roommates. She came from a family that'd been Hufflepuffs for years. She knew what it was like to be the first one in a different house.). Ivy Greenleaf looked at me through her light, mossy eyes. "It'll be okay if he doesn't catch it, you know. It won't be the end of the world." She was picking dirt from Herbology out from under her nails. She smiled. "So what if we don't win? It's not like winning will make him popular or anything. Severus will always be Severus and no one will like him any more than they already do." The other girls (except Salome) nodded in agreement and I felt my throat constricting and anger flowing through every vein in my body. That was my best friend they were talking about. "He will catch the bloody Snitch tomorrow." I said firmly. "You'll see. We will win the Quidditch Cup." Then, without another word to any of them, I changed into my pajamas and went to bed.  
  
May seventeenth dawned warm and sunny. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it wasn't windy. Perfect Quidditch conditions. The team sat huddled together around the breakfast table, didn't eat much, and planned a strategy. Severus didn't talk at all -he already knew what he had to do- and he looked horrible. He must've been very nervous. It was a big, important game -the last for Vince and Lydia- and they were dying to win the cup. In the four previous years it'd been Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Gryffindor. I hoped they would win. We were due for a win. But they put so much pressure on Severus. "You better catch the bloody Snitch." I heard Vince say, "Or I'll break your face." Severus nodded. His face was white and he looked as if he hadn't got much sleep. He sat there silently for a moment, staring at his hands. "If you don't catch it," Pandora agreed, "I'll do more than break your face. I'll break every bone in your body." I frowned. Enough was enough. "Excuse me." I said snidely, "Why is it that all the blame will be on Severus if you lose? Isn't there a reason that the rest of you are on the team? Even if he catches it, they could still win. It's happened before." They all stared at me. "It's up to him." Derrick said, "I'm good enough to keep them from scoring that many times. Now get outta here, Shelly. This is team business." Rhoda looked at them. "She does have a point. If Lydia, Vince and I score a lot, it could be a spectacular victory." Severus looked at me gratefully. They'd shut up about him. He smiled a small smile and I gave myself a mentle pat on the back. It wasn't often he appreciated anything any one did for him.  
  
"That was nice," Salome said to me, "What you did for him back there." She was so nice to me, but to every one else...that was a different story. "He's my best friend, Salome. What was I supposed to do? They were making him miserable." We were on our way to the Pitch, both robed in silver and green to support our team. She grinned "You like him, don't you?" She asked eagerly. "I...I..." I was hesitant to respond. "C'mon, you can tell me. Who'm I going to tell? Pandora?" She snorted. "I don't know. We've know each other for four years. He'll always be my best friend." I said slowly. "Quite playing games. Ya like him. Bet he likes you too." I frowned. Crushes could be painful. They could ruin friendships forever. They -- "There go the Slytherins." My brother, Allan's voice interupted my thoughts. He and his friends from the Ravenclaw team were all wearing red and gold to support Gryffindor. "He won't catch it, Shelly. He only caught it at our match because Rilya got hurt." Rilya Right nodded in agreement. "We're much better than you. If I hadn't gotten hit by that Bludger-" "Severus woulda caught it anyway." Salome interupted in a mild voice. All seven of them -Allan, Rilya, Anthony, David, Laurel, Katie and Romie- glared at us. Then they marched off together to find seats.  
  
"Are you ready?! Let's have a hand for Potter, Black, Stone, Stone, Ashwood, Slattery and Captain Heather Caley: the Gryffindors!!! They're charging out onto the Pitch; Potter looks quite fired up; it should be a spectacular match -the teams are quite even- and here come the Slytherins -- Captain Derrick Thurston with teammates Boxington, Redgrave, Steele, Dendron, Wallace and Snape! Boxington looks positively murderous. Like I said before, it'll be spectacular! And what a day for Quidditch. Not even the slightest breeze..." Ryley Renshaw, a Ravenclaw and Allan's friend, was the commentator for the match. Our Head-of-House, Professor Scythrop Southby, was refereeing. I guess Dumbledore figured that would be fair because Ryley would be biased towards the Gryffindors as would Professor Southby towards us. Salome and I sat down with the rest of the Slytherins. There was a small cluster of other fifth years -all mine and Salome's roommates and the boys that roomed with Severus- and they were eager for us to win. They waved around their pennants and cheered for the team every time they scored. "There goes Redgrave...passing the Quaffle...Wallace scored!! Ten more points for Slytherin! Slattery's got it...Gryffindor's in possesion...Is it too much, or can Thurston block?...Ten Points: Gryffindor!!" Ryley'd give himself a soar throat before the match was over. It went on that way for about four hours before either Severus or James saw the Snitch. James caught sight of it and drifted casually towards it. Severus went flying towards him, to either chase it away or ram James, I was never really sure.  
  
Then the Snitch shot upwards and I could see them both scanning the air for a glimpse of it. "Look!" Salome exclaimed, "It's way down there!" I looked. The little golden ball was hovering a few inches from the ground. Severus and James both saw it too. They looked down, looked at one another, then sped towards the ground. James pulled up right as he was about to crash head-on into Severus. To this day, I still believe Severus would have just plowed through James if he had to, he was that desperate to catch the Snitch. It -as if it knew he was there- rocketed off towards a wall and he followed right behind. "Brilliant." Araidne's sarcastic voice drifted from somewhere behind me, "He'll hit the wall. What is he trying to do?" What was he trying to do? What kind of dumb question was that? "Shut your face, Ariadne." I said without taking my eyes off him for a moment, "He's just doing what you all told him to. So shut up. Please." She shut up. James came swooping down for another go at the Snitch. They both reached for it. Severus sped up a little; his hand nearly closed on it. James rammed him from behind. The broom -with him still on it- spiraled down towards the ground. James was smiling triumphantly as Severus lay dazed in the grass. I wasn't really sure what had happened; it'd been only a matter of seconds. Had he caught it?  
  
The moment of truth- Salome and I stood there, clutching one another, not even daring to breath, as he stood up. Something gold glittered from within his hand. Severus Snape had caught the Snitch and won the match. Slytherin had won the cup only four hours, fifty-three minutes and eight seconds after they'd begun playing. "He did it! HE DID IT!!!" Salome screamed, "He caught the Snitch!! We Won!!!" I stood there in disbelief, my mouth opened wide, gripping the rail so tight my knuckles were white. I felt light- headed. I'd hoped above all hope that he'd catch it, but I hadn't been expecting him to catch it. Ivy was hugging me. "Hedidit!Hedidit!Hedidit!!!" She yelled. I sank back down into my seat. I was staring at Severus where he stood in the middle of the Pitch, the Snitch raised triumphantly over his head, and he was grinning. I'd never seen him smile like that. Then the rest of the team joined him in one massive group hug. "Isn't it great," Salome asked, "That they finally won?" I nodded wordlessly. "Come on, let's go congratulate the team."  
  
She dragged me down onto the field. Severus, from amid a flurry of handshakes, high-fives and pats on the back, was calling my name. He pushed through the crowd and made his way over to where I stood. His hair was in his eyes and he was dirty and sweaty and bleeding from his amazing crash landing, but he was smiling. Then he threw his arms around me and I burst into tears. "What's the matter?" He asked me quietly. "I've never seen you so happy..." I sniffled, "But they aren't going to be any nicer to you because you caught it. It won't change things." He gave me a puzzled look. "What?" I wiped my eyes. "Last night...Ivy, she said they'll still all hate you. They don't care that you caught it. They only care that we won." I was miserable because they all treated him miserably. He looked at me sadly. "I know that, Shelly. I've always known that. I didn't want to catch it so they'd treat me better. I did it because it's my job. Because that's what I do." He looked over his shoulder at the jumble of Slytherins that were still shaking hands and jabbering away, then back at me. "Let's get out of here."  
  
He pulled me away; off of the Pitch. He grabbed his broom on the way and we rode it to his favorite hiding spot: a stone ledge on the thirteenth story of the school, where a granite gargoyle perched and surveyed the park. We sat there together long until the stars had come out and a dampness descended upon the school grounds.  
  
It was late by the time we got back to the Common Room. Professor Southby was waiting for us. "Where were you?" He asked Severus, "Didn't you want to celebrate? You won the game." Severus looked at him through haunted eyes. "Did any one ask you, Professor, where I was? Did they want to know why I wasn't here?" Southby looked puzzled. "No." He said slowly, "No one mentioned you at all. Why?" My friend smiled grimmly. "Then I haven't won the game. I mearly caught the Snitch." Southby looked from him to me. I nodded in agreement. "We are playing the most dangerous game." I said sadly, "All of us are. And we will never win." He gave us one last puzzled look, then let us go to bed. Severus stopped me before we parted at the bottom of the stairs. "Shelly?" He asked hesitantly. "Yeah?" We looked at one another shyly. He paused, "Thanks for believing in me. You stuck up for me through this whole thing." I brushed some grass out of his hair. "That's what friends do. I only play by the rules." He smiled wanly. "Rules are meant to be broken." I nodded. "Everything's meant to be broken. Promises, hopes, dreams, hearts. I just want you to know who I really am." Another smile. "I do. Oh, I do, Shelly. I know exactly who you are. You're my friend." I nodded a second time. "Yes. I am your friend. And I always will be." I said soflty. What I wish I'd said said was "because I love you," instead, I said "Goodnight." and went to bed.  
  
Salome was waiting up for me. She smiled at me from where she sat bathed in pale moonlight. "Where have you been?" She whispered. "Out." I said softly, "We didn't want to be at the party." She ran her fingers through her hair. "I told you. You like him. I was wrong. You love him." I shook my head. "I don't. Goodnight." Love seemed like such a strong word when I was fifteen. "You do." She insisted. "Goodnight." I repeated firmly. It was so much easier to ignore it; to not acknowledge those feelings that we always skirted around. We were so scared of loving one another that we both denied it.  
  
I settled into bed and pulled the sheet up over me. Sounds of Salome getting comfortable drifted throught the darkness. "You love him..." She whispered one last time, "...but you deny. You're not fooling me. You're playing games..." She yawned. I rolled over and faced the wall. "...Tell him that you love him...tell him that you need him..." She mumbled. But I just ignored her. I didn't think I loved him. And if I said I did but he didn't love me...it'd be "game over." I didn't want that. But I didn't know that you couldn't win without taking chances... 


	4. It Happened that Night

It Happened That Night... Year 6  
  
Author's Introduction: No friends. No happiness. No Love. Emptiness. These are things we create for ourselves. But does any one deserve them? How do we release ourselves when we become fallen angels? How do we fly on broken wings? Is it the end, or simply a single battle lost, but not the war? Is the ship really going to find a lighthouse? Do we spend all that time waiting for a second chance, for a break that would make it okay?  
  
When an angel falls, Heaven will weep. The sky lets go with millions of holy tears and it's called rain. But does Heaven cry for the ones we push away; the angels that do not fall of their own accord? I am a fallen angel. I've fought the battle. And lost the war. It's not always our fault that we fall. For me, it was a bit of both -every one else's fault and my own. Have you ever endured the pain of teasing? Taunting? All around hatred and spite? Were you picked on, because of the way you were? The way you acted? Because of your intelligence? Or stupidity? In other words, do you really know what it's like?  
  
What you are about to experience is the fall of one of the most loathed angels. He flew on broken wings. And some day, he'll fly higher than ever before. He'll fly in the arms of an angel (me :P ) and the tears will fall -not because of the plunge, but rather, because of his soaring through the air. And I'll be his solid ground. I will still be there, waiting, when he comes back down.  
  
@}--,--'----  
  
It was very hard for me to watch him torture himself like that. Very. I'd never seen him so upset. He ignored me, didn't look at me. In fact, I don't think he saw a thing. Until that night..  
  
Looking back, Severus couldn't've known how I felt. Not at the time. I'd never told him. I had been belittled before -not by James Potter and his friends, but by countless others...Allison, Joe, Katie, Lea, Jim...the list could go on and on. And I was afraid. Afraid of rejection and hatred and the laughter.  
  
So I hid myself. I became Shinigami, hidden behind years of experience. This was the time of Shinigami, the time of death of one's self. Severus knew it. He died too that year. We were sixteen, both Slytherin Sixth years. He liked me. Or, at least, I think he did. He talked to me at least. That was a start. He usually reserved his voice only for teachers.  
  
It was a full moon. I remember that. Around the end of October. Actually, it was my little brother's birthday, come to think of it. The little Ravenclaw would've been whooping it up with his friends the exact same time as I saw Severus' soul and heart.  
  
I don't recall just why I'd been lurking around the school grounds. It was getting pretty late, the moon was hidden behind the clouds, but it was deffinatly full. I happened to catch a glimpse of Remus Lupin being led across the grounds by the nurse. They were headed for the Whomping Willow. That was a curious thing. The willow was dangerous. Most people avoided it. Michael had been given a broken arm from the damn thing in his first year when Josh dared him to touch it.  
  
I watched curiously as the nurse prodded into the branches with the end of her broomstick. The tree stopped swiping at them with a creak and Remus disappeared somewhere beneath it.  
  
Curious, very curious...  
  
But what startled me more, after watching the nurse saunter back off towards the castle, was the sight of three more figures approaching the tree. One was skinny and tall, with a hood drawn up around him. I knew that was Severus; he alsways prowled around like that. The second was short and chubby -Peter Pettigrew. The third, tall, lanky and swaggering as he walked. There was no doubt in my mind that this was Sirius Black. But what, I wondered, was Severus doing with Pettigrew and Black? The three hatted each other.  
  
I watched, hidden in the shadows. Black was motioning towards the tree, then to Severus, back to the tree, and finally, to a large stick protruding from the ground. Pettigrew was nodding furiously and his voice drifted through the night. "...That's right, just poke right there and it stops..." Then he and Black trotted off, leaving Severus a safe distance from the limbs of the Whomping Willow.  
  
I had almost decided to approach him and ask what they had said when he wrenched the stick from the ground and poked at the tree. Instantly, the branches froze and he moved cautiously nearer to the willow.  
  
I watched silently, the breeze whipping my hair into my eyes, as he slid under the willow. I had a bad feeling...suddenly remembering that the moon was full, that I'd heard stories of screams from the house dubbed the "Shrieking Shack" and that Potter and his friends had been known to call Remus "Moony."  
  
My stomach lurched. I was suddenly certain that if Severus went in there -where ever "there" was- he would not meet Remus Lupin and he would not come out alive.  
  
But I had become numb, as if in a trance, as my mind reeled with thoughts of what may happen beneath that tree. If Lupin was, as I believed, a werewolf. If Severus...He was gone. He'd descended under the tree. It'd swallowed him up.  
  
I silently mourned the loss of a friend. He'd been my only friend and I, his. We'd suffered through homework together, failed tests together, skipped lessons together. I'd never had a friend like Severus and, I thought sadly, I never would again. I'd never told him how I really felt about him, for fear of further humiliation.  
  
Then, as I snapped out of my dark reverie, I saw James Potter tearing across the yard. He skidded to a stop near the willow, paused a moment, then used the very same branch to also prod the tree. He crept warily under the still branches and disappeared from view.  
  
I once more regained the use of both my legs and my voice. I rushed forward, screaming all the while. "...What the Hell are you doing?? Severus, what's he done to you...??!"  
  
Potter managed to drag my friend out of the roots before he'd reached Lupin. But Severus was in a dreadful state. His face was pale, his breathing ragid, and frightened mutterings were all he could manage "...A werewolf...he's a werewolf...they sent me in there...tried to kill me...He's A Werewolf...!"  
  
"Let him alone, James Potter!" I growled. Severus was my friend, not Potter's, and if any one'd make heads or tails of what'd happened to him, it's be me. Not Potter and not anybody else. Me.  
  
"Geez, Shelly, ya don't need to gripe about it. 'M only tryin' to help, for chrissake!" James sputtered  
  
"I think you've done more than enough." I looked down at Severus where he sat dazed on the ground. He stared up at me, almost confused, "...He's a werewolf, Shinigami...An honest-to-goodness werewolf..."  
  
"I know." I sat down beside him and he looked at me wordlessly, his black hair falling in his face. I glared up at James. "Why are you still here? Can't you see he needs help? Go get some one!"  
  
James looked at us uncertainly for a moment. Then headed back across the yard towards the school. I looked back at Severus. "Are you okay? What'id he do?"  
  
"Nothing. I'm okay, I guess...Just scared me half to death...I've never seen a werewolf before..." He looked so frightened. Usually, he was the one who kept cool and composed. I'd never, ever seen Severus Snape so upset. A compelling desire to hug him overwhelmed me, but I held back. This is neither the time nor the place, I told myself, but still...  
  
He was looking at me ponderously. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I...I want to hug you..." I said slowly, "I want to keep you safe. You're my friend. I want to hug you... "  
  
His voice was a deadly whisper. "What's stopping you?"  
  
"You don't care?"  
  
"I'm your friend, aren't I? Why should I care?" His dark eyes were burning into mine. He smiled. Not just one of those oh- you're-in-trouble-now smiles, but a real one. He smiled. Just for me. It was all for me; the smile, the look in his eyes.  
  
Oh, the innocence of it all! The unfamiliarness. Neither of us had ever thought of each other as anything more than friends, and there we sat, inches from one another, drawing nearer, when-  
  
"Severus! On your feet, Severus. Oh, and you too, Shelly. Up, come on. We need to talk about what just happened." The Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, stood before us, James Potter behind him, smirking at what he'd just seen.  
  
I stood slowly and helped Severus to his feet. We looked expectantly at the Headmaster. "Yes?" Severus asked, "What about it?" "Remus Lupin, a werewolf...and Sirius sent Severus to meet certain death!" I exclaimed  
  
"Miss McKernon," Dumbledore began, "I do not deny that Remus is a werewolf. Nor am I pleased with what Sirius just did. But the fact is, it's not supposed to be common knowledge, Remus' being a werewolf. That's why he leaves once a month on the full moon. That's why the Whomping Willow was planted, so he'd have a safe place to transform. He's very dangerous like that. Severus could've died. Sirius will be punished, of course, and the two of you are forbidden to speak of this, do you understand?"  
  
"Yes, Headmaster." I said sullenly. What I wanted to do was scream and yell and curse the Hell out of Sirius for what he'd done to Severus and to strangle Dumbldore and Potter for ruining our "moment." But I refrained from any of those things and managed to maitain and keep my cool as we trudged back to the castle.  
  
Severus sighed as we parted in the common room. He looked at me sadly; a lost look could be seen deep within his dark eyes. "Goodnight, Shinigami." He said softly.  
  
I looked at him a moment. I loved him. I couldn't hide myself from him no matter how I tried. And Lord, had I tried. "It's 'Shelly' ...Please, call me Shelly." I told him.  
  
He nodded. "...Shelly..." Another forbidden smile, all for me. God, how I loved him. He was simply lost; a fallen angel...waiting for wings to fly from this world, to leave behind the past and the pain. I knew what it was like. We were so very alike, so very much the same. So afraid...  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
Now, years later, I look back on that and smile. You see, wings can heal, feathers can grow back. We've made each other whole; we are neither lost nor afraid. It's Severus and Shelly, the world's most lonely people being lonely together. The world just loves two lonely people; the world just loves two empty hearts. The odds were against it that we'd make it very far. They say the heart is a desperate hunter. I don't think either of us has done too badly. He flies now, with me by his side. And I tell him, "When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground. Do whatever you dare. I will still be there, when you come back down."  
  
Oh, what a little love can do. Now that we've found each other, we're stronger than we ever knew. And we are not fallen any longer.  
  
We've chosen to soar.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
Note from XellAn-Chan: this is the first finished HP fic i did...a lot of people probably won't like it because of the Snape stuff. but i'm a Snape fan through and through. i'm a Slytherin, he's my teacher and he's a lot like me. so if you don't like him...dont' read any more of my HP fanfics. 


	5. Life's Dance

Life's Dance  
  
*Year 6*  
  
"For a moment, all the world was right...and now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our Lives are better left to chance; we could've missed the pain, but we'd've had to miss the dance..." -Garth Brooks  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
It wasn't a pleasant thing to think about, our night at the Yule Ball. That song by the Muggle singer, Garth Brooks, says it all. Teenagers are very cruel. I would have loved to skip all the hurt feelings and hate. But that would have meant missing the dance...  
  
Looking back, I believe it all started on Christmas afternoon, when I had hidden myself away in the library. And I still remember why. I hadn't been invited to the ball...  
  
I stared at the lock of hair falling in my face. Normally, I would've brushed it away, but then I didn't bother. It'd just fall again. I sat there, on the library floor, wallowing in self-pity. It was Christmas. If anything, I should've been excited. The Yule Ball was only hours away. But I wasn't going. No one had asked me. I was possibly the only girl not going with some one. And I certainly wasn't about to go alone.  
  
So there I sat, hidden away amongst the old, musty library books. It's not like I needed to hide; no one would notice that I was missing; no one would try to find me. I only had (or at least I thought I had) two friends. Laurel seemed pretty cool. She was a Ravenclaw. I'd met her through my little brother, Michael. Severus, my real, true friend, was a Slytherin like I was. I'd known him since way back in our first year when we'd both failed the same pop quiz and I'd hoped he'd ask me to the ball.  
  
No such luck. I, Shelly McKernon, was a sixteen-year-old dateless wonder. Not even my best friend had asked me to go. And I liked him too. I liked him a lot. In fact, I loved him. I'd loved him since October -ever since the night Remus Lupin had nearly killed him- and he didn't even know it.  
  
I didn't know at the time why I liked him. It was one of those things that just can't be explained. He wasn't the best looking kid, but he wasn't bad either. In fact, I thought he was kind of cute. Don't ask me why. Maybe I was attracted to angst. But whatever the reasons, I did love him, and he broke my heart by not asking me to go.  
  
"There you are." Laurel was standing before me, still in her school robe. "I've been looking all over for you. C'mon, time to go get ready for tonight." She'd been invited to the ball by Sirius Black -a popular Gryffindor and "all around good guy."I, however, knew better. Sirius was the one who had tried to kill Severus and I hated him. "I'm not going." I said quietly, "No one asked me." Instead, I'd be sitting in the Common Room with any one thirteen or younger. "So go alone." She suggested. I glared at her. She sighed. "Look, if he didn't ask you, why don't you ask him? It's not too late. And he's shy about how he feels about you." I glared harder. She wasn't supposed to know I liked Severus. And besides..."He's not going." I grunted, "He already told me." She smiled. "He might change his mind if you ask him." I stood up and brushed past her, "Unlikely." But I headed off in the direction of the Slytherin Common Room to look for him anyway.  
  
We met in the hallway. He appeared to be looking for some one. As it turned out, that some one was me. "Shelly, we need to talk." He began, just as I said "Severus, I know this is last minute, but..." We stopped. Looked at one another. Then we both blurted out, at the same time, "Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?" Another pause. Then he grinned. "Here. Come on." He pulled me into an empty classroom.  
  
"What made you change your mind?" I asked curiously. He smiled shyly. Shrugged. "I 'unno. Felt brave for a moment, I guess. So you'll go?" He asked softly. "Of course I will." I told him. There was no one I'd rather go with. His smile widened. "I would've thought you'd want to go with some one else. Some one popular and attractive." He looked at me through glittering eyes; his voice dropped to a whisper, "I thought you liked Lupin." I smiled a bit and I know my face turned red. Remus interested me. I'd never known a werewolf before. But Severus...I loved Severus. I loved everything about him. I even loved his imperfections and I loved his weaknesses. "Maybe I have a crush on Remus. But -even if he'd asked me- I'd rather go with you and have a good time than be nervous and wierd with Remus." We both knew he never would have asked me. Remus was a Gryffindor, I was a Slytherin. The two simply did not mix. And any way, he was taking pretty little Nikki, a Gryffindor fifth year.  
  
Severus shuffled his feet. He pushed his hair out of his eyes. His nervous fidgiting was making me nervous. He wanted to say more, but had neither the words nor the voice to express himself. We were sitting on a desk, the same way we sat in the grass when Remus had nearly killed him, looking at one another. When he looked at me like that, I felt like I could see into his very soul. We'd been interupted the last time, over a year ago, and nothing so deep or intimate had happened again since. And there we were, Christmas Day -proving that miracles do happen- and I swear he was about to kiss me when-  
  
"Mister Snape! Miss McKernon!" Professor McGonagall had found us. That was twice we'd been disrupted; twice it'd been spoiled. "I never would've expected the two of you!" She sputtered, "Potter and Evans, yes, but not the two of you. Out, Out, OUT! You both know you're not supposed to sneak into classrooms."  
  
We slunk out of the room, silently, the both of us. I expected him to say he was hiding in his dorm for the rest of his life, but he just looked at me casually, and said, as if nothing had happened between us, as if we hadn't nearly just kissed, "See you later."  
  
My dress robe was black and shimmery, with silver cobwebs embroidered around the hem. I'd never worn it before; Mum was forever grousing that it was for "special occasions, like weddings and fancy parties." Honestly, how often did I go to weddings? I guess the Yule Ball counted as a fancy party. The robe was gorgeous -or at least it would've been on somebody who was gorgeous. I always thought it looked wrong on me. And there wasn't much I could do with my hair -it was too short- so I left it down (By coincidence, Severus and I had the same shoulder-length, straight haircut.).  
  
He was waiting for me in the Common Room, nervously tugging on the sleeves of his black robe. It was silk, his robe, with a sort of priest-like collar, and it was kind of plain. But he looked good in it. Very good. It made him look dark and dangerous -very mysterious- and that was how I liked him.  
  
The first, second and third years that had not been invited to go were eying us curiously. They'd never seen us so chummy with one another, not even when we sat in front of the fire doing homework together. I wondered what they thought of us -Severus and I- and was sure it'd be some big scandal by the next morning.  
  
He smiled, looking relieved, when I appeared in the doorway. He still looked very nervous -his face was unusually white- but his black eyes glittered with excitement that perhaps, just perhaps, we'd have a good time.  
  
We stepped out of the secret door together and made our way to the Great Hall. Laurel was there with Sirius, and Remus with Nikki. James Potter had Lily Evans at his side (no surprise there -they'd been going together for the past three years.). Severus and Sirius eyed each other warily as Laurel and I said "Hullo" and looked aver one another's robes. Laurel looked stunning in red velour with gold trim and any one would've thought she belonged in Gryffindor.  
  
"Shelly! Hey, Shelly! I thought you weren't coming!" My fourteen-year-old brother, Michael, was pushing his way through the crowd towards us, his girlfriend Katie trailing behind him. "Changed my mind, Mikey." I told him. He looked at Severus and smiled wickedly. "Changed his mind too, didn't you?" He said slyly. Katie tugged his sleeve, "Come on, Michael. Leave them alone." She said. "You're no fun sometimes." He pouted. But the two of 'em disappeared off into the crowd.  
  
I looked up at Severus. He smiled weakly, but he looked almost frightened. "There's still time. We can go back..." He began. Almost instantly, my eyes began to tear up. This was the only chance we'd have. There'd be no Yule Ball the next Christmas. We'd graduate the next spring, I'd go back to New York, he'd stay in Britain, and we'd never see each other again. "...If it means that much to you..." He trailed off and I nodded. What I wanted to say was: "It's not this. It's you that means a lot to me."  
  
He took me by the arm and led me into the Hall. That was when I began to feel extremely nervous. I felt like my lunch was doing summer-saults in my stomach. But I smiled and pretended it didn't bother me that about a million people were staring at us. I don't suppose any one would've ever expected either us to come. I was quiet and shy around crowds and Severus prefered books and homework to people. Both of us were socially awkward and we were not popular among our classmates.  
  
Nikki didn't seem too impressed by us. "Both of them look like they're going to a funeral." She said, "God, Remus, they're so morbid. It's hard to believe she and Michael are even related." Remus didn't say anything one way or another. That bothered me. I'd always thought of us as sort of aquaintances. It hurt that he didn't defend me. "Does she think she's pretty?" Nikki went on, "Does she thinks she belongs here with us? Look at her," I heard her say, "Trying to look good. She's too fat to wear that. She looks horrible."  
  
I sniffled a little. My eyes were clouded with tears. How dare she say that? What had I ever done to her? Nothing. I didn't even know her. But right then, I learned the truth. People judge you based on what they hear, they don't bother to know you. They make assumptions and go with that.  
  
"And him," She went on, "He looks like he's never even washed his hair. He's so scrubby. Why would she even want to touch him?" Finally, Remus said something. "Hush, Nikki. That's enough. We came here to have a good time, not insult the nasty Slytherins."  
  
Anger rose inside me. Never again would I think of Remus Lupin as any sort of friend. The little crush died instantly. I had no friends besides Severus. I knew it then. Laurel and Sirius were laughing at what Remus had said. I felt cold, numb, empty. Severus slid his hand into mine. I looked at him. He looked very angry. "Don't listen to any of that, Shelly. They don't know you. And you don't need friends like that. A crush on Remus Lupin...waste of time." I tried to smile, but found it very hard. "Were you jealous when I said I had a crush on him?" His eyes burned into mine. "What do you think?" He asked. "I think you were." A smile came that time, 'But I don't like him any more."  
  
We sat down together; had a bit to eat. The Christmas Feasts were usually the best, but that year's was spectacular. It'd been a long time since the last Yule Ball and the House Elves had really outdone themselves.  
  
Then he casually asked me if, as he suspected, I wanted to dance. That kind of surprised me. I didn't think he'd want to. I knew how to dance. I wasn't very good at it, but I knew how. Mum was the only witch in her family. I'd been to lots of Muggle parites which involved dancing. But something held me back. I shook my head. "Maybe later." He looked relieved. God, we were both sixteen and we didn't know what the Hell we were doing. That wasn't right. I felt so confused and vulnerable.  
  
Eventually, we did wind up dancing. And I felt like I was in Seventh Heaven. I wrapped my arms around him, burried my face in his shoulder. He'd held me close to him and I could feel his heart beating. He was scared. He was nervous. He didn't know what to do. But then again, neither did I. All I knew was how I felt -so in love that I could die and be happy about it. And it felt very good. I looked up at him wordlessly. He looked very relaxed, almost content. His dark eyes were closed, a small smile was on his face. His eyes opened and blazed into mine. We drew closer and closer, our noses were nearly touching. Right at that exact moment, the rain could've been falling where ever the Hell it wanted to, the wind blowing where it damn well pleased. People tell me "everything on Earth moves somewhere," but I swear to God that time stood still.  
  
Our lips met only for a few lingering seconds, but that was all it took for the moment to burn itself into my brain. As we pulled away from one another, he looked at me in wonder. Please understand, my eyes must've been begging, that I love you. Understand what I cannot say. What I am too afraid to say. He took my face in his hands. Stared into my eyes. Then he wrapped his arms back around me. I once again rested my head on his shoulder. He made no objections, just smiled down at me. Neither of us gave heed to anything,. We were caught up in some fantastic reverie.  
  
We didn't see Professor McGonagall talking to our Head of House, Scythrop Southby. She must've been telling him about her finding us in a classroom together. It didn't surprise me that she was muddled by it. She'd been right. We weren't the kind of people who'd sit in empty classrooms together. Neither of us noticed when Michael and Katie scampered off together to make out. Or noticed Nikki and her friends whispering about our moment's embrace. Or that James and Sirius were staring at us, dumbstruck at the idea that either one of us had feelings or emotions. But they managed to recover from their stupor long enough to ruin it.  
  
"God, let's see a little breathing space between you." Sirius' malicious voice unfogged our brains, sent us crashing back to Earth. James was making gagging noises. "Sirius, I can't look! Not after I just ate! God, Sirius, avert your eyes!" Insane giggling from all around us. They were laughing at us, their whole gang. Laughing!  
  
I felt a strange tickle in the back of my throat. Tears sprang to my eyes. "Why?" I whispered, "WHY?" Nothing more. That was all I could say. I'd actually thought we'd have fun. Wrong again.  
  
Severus released me from his grasp. He looked ready to strangle them both. Never mind the curses, he wanted to physically hurt them. His fists clenched, a vein in his temple throbbed and his face reddened. A few tears slid down my face. I didn't want this. I had dreams about the gentle boy who'd just been holding me in his arms. But this...it was a nightmare.  
  
It was Lily Evans who stopped Severus from killing either of the other two boys. She stepped between them, pushing them away from one another. "Severus, killing James or Sirius won't make it any better." She said calmly. He glared at her, his arms folded. "It'll make me feel a Hell of a lot better." She smiled wanly. "I can't defend it, what they did. Not at all. But Severus, don't you think there are things more important than beating James to a pulp?" She questioned. "Like what?" He asked suspiciously. She pointed at me where I stood sobbing miserably.  
  
His mouth fell open. In his rage, he'd forgotten all about me. And there I was, looking very pathetic, tears running down my face. "Are you okay, Shelly? Do you want to go?" I looked at him mournfully. "When darkness comes," I whispered, "And pain is all around, there's only one place I want to be." He stepped forward. "Where's that?" It was just me and him again, just us, and the lingering bit of that reverie. "I...I want to be safe in the arms of love..." I stammered. He drew me wordlessly back into the embrace, allowing me to cry into the front of his robe. His hand brushed away the tears from my face when I looked up at him. Our faces were once again inches apart. I closed my eyes. Felt him warm and near. My tears were drying up. Love of my life! He was holding me, protecting me. Like I'd wanted.  
  
Nikki was perplexed. "Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She could do so much better." She had a very closed heart and mind. "Shelly has dreams," Lily said quietly, "Just like you or I. Her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she is loved. You can't help who you love, Nikki. Just like you can't help who you don't love. She doesn't choose to love him. She just does. And that is love. You think it didn't cross either of their minds that some cruel, selfish person would ruin the evening for them? You think neither of them expected this? Well, they did. They knew it was coming, because no one likes them. And they still came. Don't you understand? They did this for each other. They knew everything was on the line. And they danced anyway..." Lily was trying her best to articulate how the situation made her feel. She wasn't sure how to put it into words. But she tried.  
  
I looked back at them all. "Why?" I asked again, "Why'd you do that? Do you know how far we've traveled for a place to heal our hearts? I've watched it unravel for both of us. We just want to put it back together; to get on with life. And tonight, it seems that living is the hardest part. You couldn't let us alone, could you?" I couldn't look at them, my eyes were on the floor. I was afraid I'd kill them all if I looked up. "We wanted to feel normal; to feel like every one else and have a good time. Any of you were the last things on our minds. But you," I looked up at James and Sirius. Then at Nikki. Remus. Laurel. I took in the faces of all those who had hurt me, one at a time; looked at them silently, "Couldn't let go of that hatred, that fear, for one night." Severus kept his arms around me, letting me know that he was there with me, that he backed me up one hundred percent. Never had I seen him so serious, so grave, so concerned about anything. He stared at them all through those black eyes, daring them to say anything more.  
  
Feet shuffled. Heads bowed. Mutters of "I'm sorry" could be heard. Looks of frustration. They'd really hurt us. This wasn't just an innocent prank. This was something that had hurt us bad. They hadn't expected us to take it so badly. And they didn't know what to say. None of them had before ever apologized to Severus for anything they'd done to him. They'd never thought it mattered.  
  
I recall exactly what happened next. As they trooped away together, he looked down at me and smiled. His hand was under my chin, tilting my face upward. There was that look in his eyes, that forbidden smile on his pale face. We kissed once for the good times. Twice for the bad. And those words that neither of us could speak were all around us. I love you. We just couldn't say it. But it was there. They say living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. We took plenty of chances, but no mistakes were made that night. Not by either of us.  
  
I've heard that life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. If you do the steps wrong, you learn from it and try again. If you get hurt, you give it time to heal. But you always get up again. When you've got the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. I hope You dance. We had the choice. We knew the risks. Both of us had flirted with contempt before. Both of us had danced that deadly waltz. We knew the night might have ended in tears. And we danced any way.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
For life's dance, there are no lessons. You go with what you know and make the best of it. You can't pay some one to teach you the right steps, or set it to certain music. It may be hard. It may come easy. But if you take that chance, you'll learn to dance the dance. How many times do you need to hear it? I hope you dance. We took that advice to heart. We tried our hardest to get it right. Some people just aren't meant to dance. We were some of them. But there will come a time when we do get it right and we will dance amid the lights of Heaven where the steps will be correct, no matter how you do them. @}--,--'--- 


	6. Happines Runs

Happiness Runs  
  
*Year 7*  
  
This is a short story about the lovely relationship I have created. I was bored and it just came to mind that no one really writes about the train rides to the school. So I did. For fun. And I love doing French accents.  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
I don't like trains. I never have. They used to rumble past our house at midnight or two in the morning and wake us up. They smelled bad and were loud. I didn't like riding them either. But that was for a very different reason.  
  
Hogwarts Express. The train to my school. I hated it as much as any other train. And it was the only way to get to school. My brothers Allan and Michael had friends that they fooled around with on the train. Kids ran wild up and down the corridors, poking their heads in other compartments and meeting with friends they hadn't seen all summer. And I just sat there.  
  
I had virtually no friends at Hogwarts. Only Severus Snape and we barely said a word to one another. We weren't mad at each other or anything, we just had nothing to say. He was reading a book and I was staring out the window when the compartment door slid open. "Est-ce que vous avez Shelly et Severus?" A voice said. I looked at the figure in the door. She was a slight girl, with white blond hair and pale green eyes. Her robe had light blue trim and fell lightly around her shoulders. Severus gazed at her from over the top of the book. I looked at him, then silently back at her. "Aih ahm sorree." She said slowly "You onlee speak English, no? Aih ahm Silvé D'étoilles. My fahzer sent me to 'Ogwarts for a year ahnd Aih ahm to be a Slyzerin. Profesuer Dumbledore told me to find you ohn ze traine." I stared at her coldly. "Why us?" She smiled. " 'E zinks we will be ze best of amies, you ahnd Aih. Becuz we aihr both from ozer countries." I looked at Severus again. He was frowning. She was talking to me, but her eyes were on him the whole time. "I'm sorry," I said dryly, "but I am friends with nobody." Her eyes widened. "But 'e saihd-" Severus cut her off. "Did it ever occur to you that you can't believe everything you hear?" he asked in a nasty sort of way. "People lie all the time. You don't want a friend like Shelly. You want friends like Lily Evans, because you're not like Shelly." She looked ready to cry. "Aih do not understand. 'E saihd you'd be my amie." I furrowed my brow. "Silvé, not even my own brother wants to be friends with me. Every one hates me and you will too, in time. You're not a Slytherin. Look at you. You're pretty and skinny and I know a lot of people who'd want to be your friend. Now get lost." She turned away, looking dejected. "Aih ahm sorree Aih bozered you. Au revoir." Then, in a flash of blue, she was gone.  
  
A few moments later, the door slid open again. "What now?" I muttered. Remus Lupin stood in the doorway. "What did you do to that poor girl? She just came crying into our compartment, babbling away in French about 'Shelly ahnd Severus, ze deux 'orrible Slyzeins' and how she was looking for a friend 'cause you didn't want her." We both glared at Remus. Since our first year (it was then our seventh), he and his friends had been our worst enemies. "I told her the truth." I said calmly. "Now get out. If you're so concerned, you be her friend." He looked at me from under his light hair. "You're pretty rotten, you know. She wanted to be your friend." I peered at him from behind my glasses. "I had wanted to be your friend once, Remus. I'd done nothing to you. And that didn't stop you from insulting me and treating me like crap." He looked at me a moment longer. "Touché." Then he was also gone.  
  
Alone again at last. Severus closed his book. "Why'd you really do that, Shelly?" I smiled. "It's always been just me and you, ships lost out on the ocean, at the mercy of the sea. I don't want it to change. I kind of like it." Actually, what I liked was being alone with him. He was well aware of that. "You think she'll give up?" He asked softly. "If she's got any brains she will. What you said is true. She isn't like me. There's only one person who is like me." A trace of a smile lit his face. "Me." We were next to one another, but sometimes seemed so far appart. "Yeah, you." A shy smile crossed his face. I leaned back in the seat. "Maybe I shoulda given her a chance. Who knows? I wasn't impressed by you either the day we met." He shook his head; his stringy black hair fell in his eyes. "No. Life cycles in one big loop. Happiness runs in a cirular motion. Letting her in would've broken the loop and messed it up. You and I are happy. We don't need any one else." How could he be so sure? There had to be more to life than routine. I was happy with him, but who could say if I wouldn't be happy with other friends too. "Sometimes I think it's all a straight line, Severus. My life doesn't curve. Same old thing, day in, day out. That's how it's always been." I said quietly. His black eyes met mine. He leaned towards me, our gaze locked together.  
  
The kiss was short and sweet and I still wonder to this day if he'd really done it or if I imagined it. Then he went back to his book and I stared dreamilly back out the window. He was wrong. Happiness doesn't run in a circular motion. It, as long as it is there, -like a river- simply runs. 


	7. The Long Goodbye

The Long Good-bye  
  
*Year 7*  
  
"This is the long good-bye...won't somebody tell me why...two lovers in love can't make it..."  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
The world was a big blur as it passed by outside my window of the train. I remember that. There's not much else I remember about that train ride. I was sitting there, staring through the glass, watching the trees fly by. It had been raining buckets the whole day, which only served to enhance my dismal mood. A feeling of great opression had settled around me. My attention was focused on the rain which paraded down the window. I sighed. What a horrid day it had been.  
  
If anything, I should have been excited. The next day was the first day of summer vacation, I was done with school, a certified witch, and I was going home.  
  
I was also leaving behind my best friend. He lived in England; my parents were ambasssadors to the United States of America and we lived in Foxwood, New York. I'd be thousands of miles from him, terribly lonely and terribly unhappy.  
  
Severus Snape, my best friend in the whole world whom I'd known for seven years and loved with all my heart, was asleep beside me, his head rested on my shoulder. He had his cloak drawn up around him and his stringy black hair fell across his pale face. The way he was bunched up in the seat, it was like he was hiding himself, like he didn't like the idea of facing the world alone any more than I did.  
  
I could feel him very warm and near and I wanted to cry. He was my best friend. We'd been through so much together. (Our head of house, Scythrop Southby, had called us "Curse and Countercurse" because you cannot have one without the other.) I would miss him so much. There would be no one else I would miss -not Alexandra or Gavin or even Salome. Only Severus.  
  
As I gazed down upon him sleeping there, a thought crossed my mind. What would become of him? He was smart; he'd passed his N.E.W.T.s with flying colors and he could do pretty much anything he wanted. But what was it he wanted? More than anything, the dark arts fascinated him. That could get him in toruble. His mind was constantly in turmoil, his emotions mixed and he sometimes had a lost look in his eyes. I worried about him.  
  
Then my gaze fell upon the crest emblazoned on my robe. A silver snake on a green background. It stood for all that I was, everything inside of me, and all my characteristics and quailities. It was also the reason I hated my life. The other reason I wasn't looking forward to going home was the fact that I was the black sheep of the family; the outcast. Every wizard on my family tree for generations had been Ravenclaws when they attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I was the first and only one to belong to another house and that house just happened to be Slytherin. My family acted like it was a curse. No one, not even my classmates, understood that I liked it and I was proud of being a Slyrtherin. No one but Severus.  
  
The thought of going home was almost more than I could bear. My eyes clouded over with tears. I didn't want to be in that big empty house while my brothers were still in England (Allan working in a shop on Diagon Alley; Michael still at Hogwarts). I didn't want to go back to America. And I didn't want to leave Severus behind. It would be an awful summer and the rest of my life would be just as awful. A few tears ran down my face. I positively hated my life. I hated my family. I hated America. But I loved Severus and I didn't want to leave him. I'd been so lonely other summers. The only thing that kept me going was the idea that I'd see Severus again in the fall. And that notion was flying farther away the farther we got from Hogwarts. A few more tears rolled off my checks. Then a few more until I was sobbing into my hands.  
  
He yawned, lifted his head off my shoulder and rubbed his eyes. He looked at me a minute, then sighed. "I...I'll miss you too." He, guessing what my tears were about, whispered, "I don't want you to go. Don't leave. Run away with me. We'll go somewhere -anywhere- and be together." I shook my headly sadly "I can't disobey Daddy like that, Severus. He wants me home. He wants me away from you." His gaze fell to the floor of the train car. His hair hid his face and I knew he didn't want me to see him cry. "I do not like your father." He said slowly, "He thinks whatever he says is what's best for you." I bit my lip. I didn't really like Daddy either, but he was my father and I had to listen to him. I sniffled, trying to fight my tears and enjoy the last of our time together. He drew me silently into his arms and I rested my head against his heart.  
  
We didn't say anything to each other for a long time, just sat there staring shyly into one another's eyes. I loved him immensely, with a love deeper than any teenage love. No matter what became of him or me, I would always love him. It wasn't just some little crush; it was real, true love. We'd suffered for one another, shared moments of joy, sadness, remorse. But we'd always stuck it out. He was my other half and I couldn't function properly alone any more.  
  
As the Hogwarts Express rolled slowly into London, towards King's Cross Station, I grew more and more unhappy. I'd be lost in a crowd soon -one of the masses- with no best friend. I didn't want that. Memories fade as we get older. I didn't want to lose him like that. The train chugged to a stop and I clung to him, not wanting to leave.  
  
He hugged me, held me close. But I could see something in his eyes, some deep regret, as he drew away from him. "You've got to leave me now." He said quietly, "You've got to go alone." Fresh tears filled my eyes. "I can't..." I didn't want to. "You have to, Shelly. You've got to learn to fly." He raised his eyes to look at me. His hand brushed against my cheek; his skin was cool on mine. He kissed my forehead and it was like nothing else. There was nothing that could compare with that tender little touch, with that state of bliss. "Good-bye, Shelly." His voice seemed so far away as he turned to leave. He paused in the door way. "Will you always remember me?" He questioned. Tears fogged my glasses and I took them off. I answered him in a small, choked-up voice. "I will remember you, if you remember me..." Satisfied, he nodded. Then he was gone. He left me just like that. I remained there on that train for a good ten minutes more. And standing there, my senses reeled. A fatal attraction was holding me fast. I loved him so. I had thought I thought of everything; that I was prepared. I couldn't handle good-bye, but I couldn't let it end like that. I ran off of the train.  
  
He was walking away, his back to me, with his mother. Blinded by tears, I strumbled after them. Caught him by the shoulder. Surprised, he turned to look at me. I hugged him once more. "Good-bye?" I whispered into his ear, "What's good-bye? What's good about it? It's horrible...I will never learn to fly alone." He smiled faintly. "You can. You will. This is the point of no turning back. Go now; chase your dreams. But remember me, think of me. And if you are lonely, look up. We are both under the same starry sky."  
  
That was the last I saw of him. He walked away, his mum looking at him questioningly. And my mother appeared at my side. "There you are. Allan and I have been looking all over for you. Let's go, we've a long way home."  
  
I nodded silently. Yes, it was a long way home. For home was some place I had yet to find...  
  
@}--,--'---  
  
Good-bye can mean many different things. In French, it means, "until we meet again." This story is a pre-amble of things to come, for it is an ending. But every new begining comes from some other begining's end. We will all meet again eventually, some sooner than others. The longest good- byes only lead to the happiest hellos. 


End file.
